Relationships - Benj

Ohhhhh relationships. Yeah...well it's been interesting, (for me anyways), the journey I have taken to arrive at this stage of my "relationship" life. I first married at a young age - Benj and I were both 21 and we are all so wise and indestructible at that age - aren't we? The euphoria of that first really true love and overlooking some very obvious problems that I don't need to get into at this time. We were both very happy, at least I thought we were, and we lived what seemed to be a normal life together enjoying our friends, our families, our work, our home and time passed by and things were good. I saw this lifestyle to be my destiny as far as my relationship went, we were happy in spite of what were normal relationship problems for a young couple and we were blessed... so truly blessed with the arrival of our baby Ingrid in '73.

Oh god it is difficult to think back to that brief time that we were able to have this lovely little girl in our lives. I will dedicate future pages to children but the loss of Ingrid was the start of the end of our relationship as it was. We were both devastated by our loss and for many years I didn't really realize as to what extent it had on Benj. We took some time off and travelled to Europe and spent a year cycling through those beautiful foreign countries and enjoying a lifestyle that we really hadn't thought of or realized that it existed and while I slotted my pain deep down inside of me and didn't really let it surface or directly affect me, Benj wasn't so lucky. A depression that I never did recognize within her had a new and potent fuel to feed on and it must have hurt her in a way that no-one around her could understand. She didn't talk about it but she changed... or evolved into a state that she had shown signs of previously, but one I either didn't see or overlooked.

We moved back to Canada and settled in and although things seemed to be much the same, there was always that underlying depression that affected us and there since there was no communication or effort to get counseling, life went on. We undertook a new journey to the north which appeared to rejuvenate our lives. We discussed various options as far as children - we could not have our own child as genetics dictated that a there was a one in four chance of our natural offspring would have the same disease as Ingrid and it was far to risky to go there. We were just in the process of going to family services to list our names for possible adoption when we received a phone call from a local lady saying that her housekeeper was expecting a baby any day and was looking for a couple to adopt this child. She was aboriginal and although the concept was new to us, private adoption is a normal thing among aboriginal people in the north. Diane knew about us and gave us a gift that I will always be thankful to her for. Lindsay Jill came into our lives in Inuvik in June '85 and a year later, we moved to Edmonton where we lived for a year before moving back north to Yellowknife which became home for the next 22 years.

When we moved to Yellowknife, things were not at all positive in our relationship. Although things went well with work and finances and baby Jillie was such a joy for us, Benj was distant and, well .. different. There was little or no intimacy in the marriage and while she devoted herself to our home and our baby, the happy couple no longer existed. I had no idea of the pain that Benj felt and the fact that she had started drinking to ease the pain was not obvious. She had always had a "problem" with alcohol and although she had hidden it well, she now started to use this cane more often -much more than I knew. We talked about children and Benj said she wanted another child and me, in my wisdom, felt that this might make her happy and get our marriage back to a happy place, so I supported the idea. We visited Social Services in Yellowknife and registered for a child and to my surprise the waiting time was short and our boy Jesse Tyler was handed over to us at the age of 7 months in early '89. Jesse was a sweet affectionate boy who doted on attention (except for when he was hungry - he took on the personality of an angry mountain lion) but all in all, he rounded out our family and I hoped that this would make Benj happy and that our family could get on with a normal happy relationship.

Of course, a happy family was not to be. On the surface again, things seemed good and I was content to go along with this but the drinking continued and got worse .. really worse at times.. Benj insisted that she could "handle it" and time went by with the only change being a gradual worsening of the problem. When an opportunity came up for Jill at the age of nine to attend the school of ballet at the Royal Winnipeg Ballet, we decided that it was such a great opportunity for her that Benj would move to Winnipeg with the kids so that Jill could attend this prodigious school. Without really discussing it, this became our unofficial separation as far as our marriage was concerned. Benj appeared to be in control of herself and her drinking and goddamit, I turned a blind eye to her problem and submitted to this set up. This is something that I will forever regret as far as letting the children experience life with their mom in her condition. I should have known.. I should have listened when Jill told me.. I should have realized the extent of Benj's drinking, but I didn't and my kids were the ones that suffered for the drunken episodes. Not only did I let this happen but it was at such a formative time in their lives and although Jill seems to have adapted, although she hurts over her mom and will always angry, Jesse needed his dad to guide him and I was not there for him. My little man has had problems in his life.. some that were probably inherited from his birth mother, but others that should have been avoided or at least eased if I had been there for him. I won't dwell on that at this time but I have told them, and I want my kids to know that I am so sorry that I left them in such a precarious situation. I want them to know that I love them with all my heart and will do whatever I can to help them get on with life and to be happy because happy is what we strive for and need more than anything else.

Benj never could overcome her depression or alcoholism and on occasion she tried to get help with AA but always returned to her bottle. She eventually made herself a home in Teulon and dedicated herself to her house and garden and continued to fool everyone (except Jill) as far as her drinking. She drowned in her bathtub in May of '08 and I must admit I was surprised at her celebration of life event at how many friends she had made in Teulon and the respect that she had with the local populace. Inside, she was always the wonderfully nice person that I fell in love with but unfortunately, the demons eventually won. I don't believe in god myself but if there is one, and Benj had a strong belief in the lord, then she is probably happy in some special place with Ingrid. I would like to think so anyways. Myself, I have to admit that I was not really impacted when I heard of her passing. I was sorry and felt the pain that Jill and Jesse experienced for losing their mom, but I guess that over the years I detached or disconnected her from myself totally. She did cause me a lot of pain and anguish and to be honest, I have looked back and I feel that I let her waste a lot of my time in this world . I blame no one but myself and it is a result of my innate inability to deal with unpleasant situations that let it go as far as it did.

The good.. and there is always good, is the fact that I have two beautiful children. Although they are adopted, they are my natural kids and I love them and will always support them and want to be part of their lives. Jill has given me a beautiful beautiful grand daughter Shaya, and yes, life is good!

more to follow.