Mom's 89th Birthday Celebration

This weekend (Dec 12th) we got as many of the family together as we could. Since everyone has plans for Christmas this year, we decided to get together this weekend and celebrate Mom's 89th along with our Christmas visit. It was a very nice weekend and we enjoyed a potluck at the Lundar Senior's Home. Although it was a nice visit, it was too bad that my kids and Dennis' gang were too far away to be able to join us. I think Mom had a nice time and we were joined by Aunty Laura and Laurie as well as Dick and Doreen.

It was a weekend to celebrate as well with the announcement that Lynda and Scott are expecting their first child in July so Lynda and Jill will be adding to the clan around the same time. Our thoughts and prayers are with cousin Ray as well who is in the hospital in Winnipeg in the ICU battling it out with H1N1.

He looks a bit like me...

Ever since my younger days, I have continually had people come up to me and say... "Has anyone ever told you you look like Robin Williams"... I even got asked for an autograph in a restaurant in Banff years ago. One of the reasons I grew my little goatee is because I was tired of people coming up to me with a "Nano Nano" or something similar. I felt that as I aged the look alike was fading but Jill mentioned to me that Shaya saw RW on tv and thought it was grandpa.

Just looking at some youtube stuff with RW and with his beard, he does look a bit like me. I wonder if he knows how famous he could be working as my double????

I'm not sure if I'm authorized to do this???

But I thought I'd make the announcement. It looks like I'm going to be a Grandpa for a second time. Jill told me today that she is expecting in early July. Good timing for not getting in the way of her schooling but I imagine wedding plans will be pushed back.

I'm very happy for my kids.. congratulations to Wayne and Jill and of course my precious little Shaya who will have a new brother to play with???

It also gave me an excuse to post a pic from my last visit with my favorite little girl.

I know this isn't retirement but....Holy moly this is fun!

So I haven't really been bored the past few days although with Julie off to work at 0730, I have been stretched a bit to make my days constructive. Well, today after I had washed the dishes and made the bed, this may surprise some of youall, but I was actually still looking for something to do! I had brought a tub of EZ Street cold asphalt into the house last nite to warm up - I had had this in the back of my truck from the last Edmonton trip and decided today was the day I go out and fix that big old pothole out front. Not sure if the town of Zumbrota would actually appreciate my work, I made a quick job of sweeping out the freshly fallen snow from last nite and placing the patch.

Ohhh sad me.. that was the excitement for the day other than going down to Bridget's cafe for an coffee and a read on the local newspaper. I must find a hobby!

Four high powered guys.. well, three and me

I was googling myself .. "just to see" cause I sometimes do that, and under images I found this pic taken at a Chamber of Commerce function in Yellowknife a year or so ago. L - R = Mayor Van Tighem, Premier Roland, Prime Minister Harper and l'il old me. Talk about a powerful bunch.. aye???

You'll note that Steevo... that's what he likes me to call him... is busy asking me a whole bunch of questions about how to best run the country and if I had a good recipe for brandied ham loaf.

Minnesota turkey!

So I'm finally going to get to see what American Thanksgiving is all about. I drove down to see my girl in Zumbrota on the weekend and after getting stood up for Trace, things have been so nice. I really enjoy my time with Jewels and I even have my own two drawers in the bedroom dresser so I'm guessing that our relationship is rock solid :)

Josh and Jill are visiting tonight from Milwaukee and leave tomorrow for Lake Ojeebojee (or whatever) and we are driving down to Duluth to have Thanksgiving with Bob and Judy, Scott and Kim, and Tom. Always a bit scarey, these Laven get togethers and mucho stessful for my Jewels but I'm sure it will be nice and all will survive. I know we will eat a lot and enjoy what is THE big holiday in the states (after xmas of course).

Death and Taxes

Since I was sick last year, I have noticed that when I'm reading my newspaper, I have developed a habit of pausing at the page(s) that list the obituaries ... just to take a peek. I have been noting that there are a lot of people that are passing on to the next stage that are often younger that I am. I guess I will have to count on the family genes and hope that I can keep up with Mom and Dad who both have late eighties on their resumes and Mom is talking about 100!

Anyways, a couple of months ago, I saw an obituary for an old school friend, Albert Monkman who had colon cancer. His photo was a bit eerie in that he looked almost the same at age 60+ as he did in his school days - a beautiful smile and so sincere and happy looking. Today, I noticed that another school and 4H chum, Kay Lamblin passed on from cancer. His funeral is in Lundar tomorrow and although I planned to head south, I just may detour and pay my respects.

I don't think I'm afraid of death.. but I am certainly more aware that I should be making more of my life and enjoying the next 20 years or so because.... well, just because, OK

By the way, If anyone from Revenue Canada is reading this, I promise to pay my outstanding taxes from 08 before the end of the year.. I promise!!!!

Pics taken recently of Shaya for the family xmas cards.

Time is flying by....

I left home on the 14th of October.. drove out to Edmonton and carried on to Vancouver to oversee the production of EZ Street asphalt for a new client on the west coast. It went well, in spite of all the rain and I'm glad to see that we have a customer that is anxious to work with us and wants to cover as much of the western provinces as we will allow. We have to see how things work out with him for now but I'm optimistic that this is just one piece of a growing puzzle.

I was pleased that I could take a few days to visit with Jill, Wayne, and Shaya. My lovely little grand daughter is growing so fast and she was very comfortable with me right from the start. I love spending time with her.. she is at my favorite stage.. vocabulary growing daily and communicating and interested and interesting. Unfortunately, I only had a few days with the kids as I had some work in Edmonton to follow up on. Gawd the drive back to Alberta was horrible. It is the first time that I have ever been really.. I mean REALLY, concerned and somewhat afraid with the road and conditions.. Blizzard in the mountains with major delays due to accident.. followed by heavy fog and black ice road conditions - it took me almost 24 hours to make the trip that normally would be about half of that. But, I arrived safe and sound in Edmonton in time to oversee a production of EZ Street at the city of Edmonton paving plant. Again, all went well with that. The Edmonton trip was combined with spending time at the NUNA offices. This is the company that has bought 50% of our business and I found it interesting to spend a few days with the new manager and get to know some of the local staff. I spent some time again with my friends Bill and Pat who have opened their house to me at any time I need a bed.. they have been so very good to me and Julie since my surgery last year. I really do not know how I would have survived my illness and stay in Edmonton last year if I did not have their support and friendship. I love them both dearly and wish I could show my thanks in some special way. I will have to give this some thought and perhaps next year when it is time for them to move to Nova Scotia and enjoy retirement, I can help them in some way.

I got to spend some time with Jesse and Nikki as well. Jesse is doing incredibly well with his school and I am so proud and happy for him. He is working hard and is dedicated to this course. Jesse is having a bit of difficulty adjusting to "co-habitation" .. this is his first real relationship and I spent a bit of time giving him the benefit of some advice from the wealth of experience I have in dealing with women.. LOL... actually, I told him if he ever figures it all out, to let me know as I have not been really successful but am working on a very important project at the present time.. right Jewels??

I made a very tough.. and for me, bold decision a couple of days ago. I decided to semi retire... at least, to leave the employ of EZ Street/Nuna Innovations and leave it up to my partners and staff to run that business. I am counting on them to make enough profits to look after me in my old age. In the meanwhile, I will pick at part time work and get to spend a bit more time with Julie.. it's time to make something more of that relationship. I love my girl and I want to spend more.. much more time with her.

CBC Northbeat clip featuring EZ Street cold asphalt

My kids..

I'm not in a good frame of mind right now to talk about Ingrid. My first baby.. beautiful baby.. that Benj and I lost at the age of two to a genetic disorder that brought on a disease that was similar to muscular distrophy. It gradually weakened Ingrid's body and brought on her death. It's strange how time has dulled the pain and I am not affected by this in my day to day life - but any time I think about her and spend some time talking about her, it's like it happened yesterday and the pain comes back... the pain comes back with such force and reality and hurtfulness... It will never be easy to go back there I guess and that is probably good... Ingrid would have been in her late 30's now and I have to wonder what could have been for this bright and sensitive little soul. One thing I learned from this experience, and this was re-inforced by my illness last year.. is that we have to enjoy our time on this world of ours because it can be taken away from us at any time. Once our time is up, that's it baby.... so enjoy, do things you can while you can.. experience life... don't be afraid to try new things.. learn to love and be loved.. blah blah blah...

If there was any good that came from losing our Ingrid, it opened another door.. a door that we would never have considered if she had remained healthy. The door opened to give us the opportunity to have a family by adoption. We were so lucky to be in the right place at the right time to adopt Jill when we lived up in Inuvik in '85. When we moved to Yellowknife, we applied to social services for a second child and Jesse rounded out our family in '88. Benj and I had first considered adoption as an alternative to having our family but were very afraid .. or concerned that it might not work for us after the pain we went through. We worried that we could never feel the same about a child that wasn't naturally conceived by us.. we soon learned that this was not an issue. Both of the kids, Jill and Jesse, were instantly "our" kids and there was never any difference in our feelings or acceptance of these two wonderful children as part of our real family. I am not sure how to express this, but I am so happy that we made that decision to take in these two kids and especially now - considering where my life has gone. I have two children that are now young adults.. two children that have had their share of distress in their lives in spite of the love that we have for them... my kids whom I love and am so happy to see how they are now gaining some direction in their lives. And of course, my grand daughter.... my baby's baby .. that sweet little child Shaya that I so adore...

Jill is enrolled in Island College in Courtney BC taking a photography course. She has worked hard to get things set up to take this course and I am so proud of her that she has found a way to get trained in a field that helps her to express her artsy fartsy side.. she is so talented and this is only a beginning for her to create her future doing things that she loves to do.

Jesse... ahhh my sweet loving little boy is such a big young man now. I thought that I had lost my boy and I guess I did for a while... but it looks like Jesse is back now and as with Jill, I am so very proud and happy for Jesse that he has taken back some control of his life. He has found a way to get into college attending NAIT in Edmonton and is taking an Aircraft Maintenance course. Jesse could never be accused of being artsy fartsy and this course is step one in developing the "hands on" type of skills that Jesse posseses.

Both the kids are lucky to have S.O.'s in their lives that support them in what they do. Wayne and Nikki have been positive influences for them and I so hope that their lives are happy and fruitful and I want them to know how extremely extremely happy that I am and will continue to be a part of them..

Where do we go from here - what is Jim working at???

I haven't done anything on this blog for a couple of months.. Jeez the time seems to fly by. I have to admit that I have been feeling quite frustrated over the past couple of months. I am involved as a partner in a company called EZ Street Canada. We own the distribution rights to a wonderful fantastic cold asphalt product that actually works when repairing paved surfaces... yes, the dreaded pothole can be cured! Anyways, we have a verbal agreement with a large company to purchase 50% of the business. It will give us the clout to take our business to the next stage and it is already showing signs.. very positive signs of being a huge success with representatives making our product in Ontario, Manitoba, Alberta/NWT and BC. The frustration is that the sale has been virtually stalled over the past 2 months waiting for I's to be dotted andt T's to be crossed.. lawyers.. accountants.. but..I firmly believe that this week the deal will be done and we can get on with business. It has been very difficult for me as there has been NO income for a year now and I think everyone would realize that this is not good. I'm really looking forward to getting it done.

In addition to the EZ Street sales, our company had also been involved in sales of another product called Airstar lighting. This product is a highly efficient and easily portable lighting system that can be used in a multitude of situations. We have been marketing the lights in the past to construction, expediting, and mining companies who work in remote locations. We have been salivating at the prospect of getting these lights into the oil sands at Fort McMurray without much success. We recently got a surprize call from a construction company in that region looking for a demonstration of the product and as a result, we quickly arranged a trip up to Ft Mac to show off the lights. It appears that our trip was successful as we have a verbal ..ouch..there goes that verbal word again.. aggreement to rent a large number of lights with a promise to let us use their project as a base for showing the products to other companies in the region. There is so much potential with this product in the oil sands and the client was blown away with the lights and is anxious to get them placed.

Excuse me for sounding optimistic... it has been very tough financially for poor old Jim the past year but... it is going to change very soon and with a few dollars coming in, it looks like it will be a very busy time for the next couple of years. It is exciting and I only wish I were 20 years younger to work at and develop these opportunities.. but I'm not and I'm healthy and I'm happy and who could ask for anything more.

If there is such a thing as "our song", this would be it.

Relationships - The final frontier!!!

I started this blog with the idea in mind that it would hopefully make interesting reading for some of my friends and relatives, my kids, and of course any and all grandchildren that come along in the future. An opportunity to get to know who grandpa was and what his life was like. I can just see it - it's the year 2022 and 15 year old Shaya Latimer Eirikson has been reading grandpa's blog for a couple of hours - finally she walks up to her mom (who is frazzled and preparing meals for Wayne and their other seven kids) and says.. "Do I have to read any more of Grandpa's blog.. all he talks about is the women in his life and it's totally boring.. didn't he have any other interests???!!!

OK..This is my last post regarding my relationships but I had to get you through this part of my life because a person's soul mate is by far the most important part of our raison d'etre - it has just taken me a bit longer than most normal people to find mine. But, find her I have!

The Julie I have referred to several times now is Julie Peterson. *SIGH* Another of those wonderful blond Scandinavians from the great state of Minnesota. Julie and I met several years ago online when we were both playing a word game called Psychobabble. This game helped me pass many long hours in the evenings when I was alone in Yellowknife and tending to my hospital medivac contract. The game had a chat option and I had noticed Julie (One Wise Woman) several times as she was quite adept at the game and not shy about her wordly talents. I started to harass her - but in a nice way - and she put up with me and eventually we started to have some rather deep conversations at the expense of our concentration on the word game. As before, I'm not going to bore anyone with details but after a few months, Julie finally gave in and allowed me to phone her. Being the charming boy that I am, it only took another 3-5 months to convince Julie that we had to meet face to face and finally a rendez-vous was set up for Caddy Lake Resort in the Whiteshell Park. I have to tell you about our first meeting as it is probably the most frightened I have ever been in my life. Arriving at the resort in a steady rain, I pulled up to the office and noticed a purple Grand Prix with Minnesota plates parked nearby. It was so funny when I checked in as the old couple that ran the place were quite interested in the lady from Minnesota and me with my NWT plates. Anyways, I trudged apprehensively up to our cabin and was greeted at the door by an extremely striking blond woman who appeared to be nowhere as friendly as the one I had been talking with online and on the telephone. I think my first words as I stood on the steps as the rain ran down my nose were to the effect that I had left my suitcase in my vehicle (thinking that she would let me in and we could wait for the rain to stop before getting my stuff) but noooooo.. she said I had better go get in now and I honestly thought I would come back to a locked door with no options but to beat a hasty retreat and be forced to give up on Minnesota women forever! It turns out that she was as scared as I was and friendly Julie appeared once she realized I was safe.

Julie and I had a wonderful 4 days at Caddy Lake and it was the start of a relationship that has evolved into something that I often stop to consider how lucky I am to have found her... who would have thought that a simple online game would give us both the opportunity to discover each other and allow us the happiness that we have come to share. In order to reassure ourselves that we were compatible, one of the things we felt that we should do was to try to spend some time together over an extended period - just to see how we coped with each other on a daily basis. Julie actually moved up to the NWT and spent a year with me in the North and that period only solidified what we felt for each other. In addition to my health concerns, the main reason for my move back to Manitoba was the fact that it is much closer geographically to this woman that I love so dearly. It gives us the opportunity to see each other on a semi-regular basis and once I am settled and my business, my work schedule, and my finances are set, we intend to sit down and make some very serious plans for the rest of our lives... we have not talked about marriage yet, other than hypothetically, but I think I can speak for both of us when I say that we were meant to be and it just took a long long time to find each other.

There are so many things that we like to do together and we really do enjoy each other's company. Whether it's cycling, browsing through bookstores, shopping for shoes, snowshoeing, road trips, trying new restaurants, ice cream, kayaking, cross word puzzles (when she lets me help), music, cooking, golf, canoeing, quiet times, long walks, thunderstorms, our grandkids, a good book, attending concerts and sports events, the lake, ice cream (whoops, did I repeat myself), back roads, coffee shops, farmers markets, touristy stuff, finding the best price for gas, and on and on... and there are so many things we have yet to do... ah Jewels, I t'aime avec toute mon coeur.

OK.. lets focus on something new. After all, the title is life after 60 and it's been a history lesson so far. Although, history is required in order to explain how I got here.. oh well, lets see where it goes.

Relationships (cont'd)

Living on my own in the big city...OK, Yellowknife isn't that big, but this was a new experience for me. I was very busy with work at the Travel Agency as well as my contract with the hospital and I settled into a bit of a work rut with the odd golf game thrown in during the summer. I dated a couple of times locally but it scared me because I felt that women in my age group were looking for some kind of committed relationship and anyone who knows me, knows that committment is not something that comes easily. Actually, I shouldn't say that but it wasn't quite time to settle into another relationship at this stage.

OK, I'm not going to get into any gory details (after all, children may read this one day) but since I travelled a fair amount, my thought process at the time was that it would be nice to meet and get to know women that did not live in YK - that way I could enjoy their company and still be at a safe distance. I was home alone many evenings and up late doing medical travel issues and this is where I discovered the internet and the doors that it could open for me. I listed a bio on a "Personal" site in Edmonton and 'lo and behold, I actually was contacted by a few women. I met some of them in person over the next little while, and I found out that there were many other lonely people out there just like me. They were just looking for someone to spend time with, possibly start a relationship and most of them were very nice good people. I started to feel pretty good about myself as I had experienced grave doubts about how I would react or handle myself in any kind of new relationship. It had been a long time as I had been alone for many years... even when Benj was with me the last ten years or so lacked any form of intimacy and I think that finding out that I could actually go out on a date and be able to handle whatever consequences arose from this gave my ego and confidence a great boost. I was having fun, I was free, and I was safe.

One day I received an email from a lady in Minnesota... ahhh.. Minnesota - home of such wonderful blond women of Scandinavian decent (I was to find out later that women from Minnesota would be my achilles heel when it came to relationships *grin*). Cheryl had come across my bio somehow and out of the blue, contacted me. We hit it off right away and really enjoyed the initial online relationship. We exchanged photos, we talked on the phone, and we eventually met in person. Everything seemed to click and after a year or so which included several trips to Minnesota, she came up to YK to live with me. I realized fairly quickly that although I felt I was really ready for a committed relationship, that either I wasn't ready, or it was wrong (probably a combination of both). As I stated above, there are no gory details to be hashed and rehashed other than the fact that a weak relationship got much weaker with the stresses of running a business together that was doomed to fail. Reflections, our restaurant/gift shop/hell hole would eventually break us financially and affect my physical and mental health. Our relationship ended at my choice. It was the first time that I can remember where I actually had the balls to address an extremely personal and tense situation and in this case, force the issue of seperation. I am not proud of myself over my relationship with Cheryl although I feel that we both grew from it and although she hates me, she is probably much stronger as a result of the short time we had together.

Anyways, it was time to cool my jets and park the relationship train for a while... or so I thought!

Thoughts at this stage.

Well, for someone that is totally computer illiterate, this is coming along fairly well. Chris would be so proud of me actually moving a YouTube music file onto these pages - actually he would probably shit his pants he'd be so surprised!

Anyways, at this stage there has been a lot of stuff posted about my past and that doesn't co-incide with the theme of "Life after Sixty"... but... I had to get here somehow and my posts to date along with the next few are going to relate more to how I got here. It will probably be boring but I keep thinking that in addition to my kids and friends having a bit more insight as to who this Dad/Jim Eirikson guy is and why he acts so strange at times... this is for me to open up a bit and for my grand kids so they will know more about grandpa one day. I can't imagine that the internet will be around when Shaya is grown up.. well, not in the form it is in right now but I would think that history will always be accessible on this medium.

I'm actually enjoying this so far and I think it is good for me to reflect and jot down thoughts and memories. I hope that it is something that I can continue to work at and that it remains interesting and fun.

OK..that's all I got for now. Let's get on with it.

More Music - One of my all time favorites.

Music

So, I'm updating my profile and one section asks for my favorite music ... so I start to list some of my favorite songs and groups etc... an as I love my music, it takes a while. And I go to update my changes and I find out I can't have over 2000 characters in that section..

So, here's the list cut and pasted from the profile just to name a few of my favorites!

Lay Down Beside Me - Alison Kraus and John Waite = If Julie ever marries me this will be our song,
Killing the Blues - Alison Kraus and Robert Plante - nice together,
Wishin' and Hopin' - Ani DiFranco = nice new version of old simple song,
The Girl from Impanema - Astrud Gilberto = always a good listen,
I Saw Her Standing There - The Beatles = so Lucky to have this group from my Era,
Turn the Page - Bob Seger = I like a lot of his stuff and this is a classic,
Rainy Night in Georgia - Brook Benton = easy listening,
Please Don't Think I'm Nosy - Charlie Musselwhite - easy blues,
Since You've been Gone - Cheryl Wheeler = new artist,
My Friends - Dar Williams = Julie introduced me to this folkis stuff,
That's Amore - Dean Martin = catchie tune,
Sunshine Superman - Donovan = oh yeah,
Waltzing Matilda (Guitar Version) - The Down Under Vocal Band = over and over,
Tennessee Road - Eliza Gilkyson = Oh sooo nice,
My Father's Eyes - Eric Clapton = love all his stuff,
At Last - Etta James = great love song,
Songbird/Tall Trees in Georgia - Eva Cassidy = what a great singer and died so young,
Bad to the Bone - George Thorogood = my idea of good rock music,

Fever - Helen Shapiro/Patsy Cline = and anyone else that sings it!
Summertime - Janis Joplin = another that died too young,
Old Flame - Jill Barber = just found her recently,
My Baby's Gone/Sorry - Joan Armatrading = nice voice,
Furry Sings the Blues - Joni Mitchell = catchie,
Always - Leonard Cohen = what a great talent,
Lake Charles - Lucinda Williams = I love her sexy voice,
Broken Things - Lucy Kaplansky = another new singer to me/nice,
She's Leaving Because she Wants to - Lyle Lovett =I like a lot of his stuff,
I Wish I Were - Martha Wainwright = ditto Kaplansky,
Dream River - The Mavericks = this song has made me cry - of course what doesn't??!
Oh Mary - Neil Diamond = great voice,
Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood - Nina Simone = I loooveee her,
Turn me On - Nora Jones = I like a lot of her stuff,
The Dock of the Bay - Otis Redding = Always loved this song,
Old Cape Cod - Patti Page = MMMmmm,
Feelin' Love - Paula Cole = different/catchy tune,
Monty Got a Raw Deal - REM = this was a great band,
Honky Tonk Women - The Stones = how lucky to grow up with this music!,
Tom's Diner - Suzanne Vega = there is a story to this one,
Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis - Tom Waits = Long Way Home/The Piano Has been Drinking/Tom Traubert's Blues/I Wish I was in New Orleans/Day After Tomorrow,

Honky Tonk Heros - Waylon Jennings = love his voice,
Stardust - Willie Nelson = how does he stay alive?

Relationships - Benj

Ohhhhh relationships. Yeah...well it's been interesting, (for me anyways), the journey I have taken to arrive at this stage of my "relationship" life. I first married at a young age - Benj and I were both 21 and we are all so wise and indestructible at that age - aren't we? The euphoria of that first really true love and overlooking some very obvious problems that I don't need to get into at this time. We were both very happy, at least I thought we were, and we lived what seemed to be a normal life together enjoying our friends, our families, our work, our home and time passed by and things were good. I saw this lifestyle to be my destiny as far as my relationship went, we were happy in spite of what were normal relationship problems for a young couple and we were blessed... so truly blessed with the arrival of our baby Ingrid in '73.

Oh god it is difficult to think back to that brief time that we were able to have this lovely little girl in our lives. I will dedicate future pages to children but the loss of Ingrid was the start of the end of our relationship as it was. We were both devastated by our loss and for many years I didn't really realize as to what extent it had on Benj. We took some time off and travelled to Europe and spent a year cycling through those beautiful foreign countries and enjoying a lifestyle that we really hadn't thought of or realized that it existed and while I slotted my pain deep down inside of me and didn't really let it surface or directly affect me, Benj wasn't so lucky. A depression that I never did recognize within her had a new and potent fuel to feed on and it must have hurt her in a way that no-one around her could understand. She didn't talk about it but she changed... or evolved into a state that she had shown signs of previously, but one I either didn't see or overlooked.

We moved back to Canada and settled in and although things seemed to be much the same, there was always that underlying depression that affected us and there since there was no communication or effort to get counseling, life went on. We undertook a new journey to the north which appeared to rejuvenate our lives. We discussed various options as far as children - we could not have our own child as genetics dictated that a there was a one in four chance of our natural offspring would have the same disease as Ingrid and it was far to risky to go there. We were just in the process of going to family services to list our names for possible adoption when we received a phone call from a local lady saying that her housekeeper was expecting a baby any day and was looking for a couple to adopt this child. She was aboriginal and although the concept was new to us, private adoption is a normal thing among aboriginal people in the north. Diane knew about us and gave us a gift that I will always be thankful to her for. Lindsay Jill came into our lives in Inuvik in June '85 and a year later, we moved to Edmonton where we lived for a year before moving back north to Yellowknife which became home for the next 22 years.

When we moved to Yellowknife, things were not at all positive in our relationship. Although things went well with work and finances and baby Jillie was such a joy for us, Benj was distant and, well .. different. There was little or no intimacy in the marriage and while she devoted herself to our home and our baby, the happy couple no longer existed. I had no idea of the pain that Benj felt and the fact that she had started drinking to ease the pain was not obvious. She had always had a "problem" with alcohol and although she had hidden it well, she now started to use this cane more often -much more than I knew. We talked about children and Benj said she wanted another child and me, in my wisdom, felt that this might make her happy and get our marriage back to a happy place, so I supported the idea. We visited Social Services in Yellowknife and registered for a child and to my surprise the waiting time was short and our boy Jesse Tyler was handed over to us at the age of 7 months in early '89. Jesse was a sweet affectionate boy who doted on attention (except for when he was hungry - he took on the personality of an angry mountain lion) but all in all, he rounded out our family and I hoped that this would make Benj happy and that our family could get on with a normal happy relationship.

Of course, a happy family was not to be. On the surface again, things seemed good and I was content to go along with this but the drinking continued and got worse .. really worse at times.. Benj insisted that she could "handle it" and time went by with the only change being a gradual worsening of the problem. When an opportunity came up for Jill at the age of nine to attend the school of ballet at the Royal Winnipeg Ballet, we decided that it was such a great opportunity for her that Benj would move to Winnipeg with the kids so that Jill could attend this prodigious school. Without really discussing it, this became our unofficial separation as far as our marriage was concerned. Benj appeared to be in control of herself and her drinking and goddamit, I turned a blind eye to her problem and submitted to this set up. This is something that I will forever regret as far as letting the children experience life with their mom in her condition. I should have known.. I should have listened when Jill told me.. I should have realized the extent of Benj's drinking, but I didn't and my kids were the ones that suffered for the drunken episodes. Not only did I let this happen but it was at such a formative time in their lives and although Jill seems to have adapted, although she hurts over her mom and will always angry, Jesse needed his dad to guide him and I was not there for him. My little man has had problems in his life.. some that were probably inherited from his birth mother, but others that should have been avoided or at least eased if I had been there for him. I won't dwell on that at this time but I have told them, and I want my kids to know that I am so sorry that I left them in such a precarious situation. I want them to know that I love them with all my heart and will do whatever I can to help them get on with life and to be happy because happy is what we strive for and need more than anything else.

Benj never could overcome her depression or alcoholism and on occasion she tried to get help with AA but always returned to her bottle. She eventually made herself a home in Teulon and dedicated herself to her house and garden and continued to fool everyone (except Jill) as far as her drinking. She drowned in her bathtub in May of '08 and I must admit I was surprised at her celebration of life event at how many friends she had made in Teulon and the respect that she had with the local populace. Inside, she was always the wonderfully nice person that I fell in love with but unfortunately, the demons eventually won. I don't believe in god myself but if there is one, and Benj had a strong belief in the lord, then she is probably happy in some special place with Ingrid. I would like to think so anyways. Myself, I have to admit that I was not really impacted when I heard of her passing. I was sorry and felt the pain that Jill and Jesse experienced for losing their mom, but I guess that over the years I detached or disconnected her from myself totally. She did cause me a lot of pain and anguish and to be honest, I have looked back and I feel that I let her waste a lot of my time in this world . I blame no one but myself and it is a result of my innate inability to deal with unpleasant situations that let it go as far as it did.

The good.. and there is always good, is the fact that I have two beautiful children. Although they are adopted, they are my natural kids and I love them and will always support them and want to be part of their lives. Jill has given me a beautiful beautiful grand daughter Shaya, and yes, life is good!

more to follow.